Sorting Troubles
by R4v3n Kn1ght
Summary: The Sorting had gone normally until now. Everyone was getting impatient, to the point of near mutiny against the respected Sorting Hat.


**Author's Notes:** The idea for this happened during a joint discussion between my former roommate and myself, most likely when we were both trying to delay doing the inevitable assignments required before finals! Ugh! Whatever the reason, this was the result. This is a humor fic and is not intended to be taken seriously in any way! I do not own Harry Potter, or any recognizable characters, locations, etc. They all belong to JK Rowling.

**Sorting Troubles**

The Sorting had gone normally until now. Everyone was getting impatient, to the point of near mutiny against the respected Sorting Hat. While some years have had excessively long Sortings…and that was total time, not for just one student…this single eleven year old had apparently stumped the Sorting Hat good and proper.

And it was starting to get on everyone's nerves!

It's been almost forty-five minutes on one student! This was unacceptable not only to the other students that had suffered through these before, but also to the faculty. They were hungry! They just wanted to sit down, listen to a few ridiculous words from the headmaster, eat, then head to their dormitories and pass out! Was that so much to ask? Now they had to wait for the stupid hat to figure out which of the four houses to put this problem child! Not to mention it still had at least fifteen more students after this one!

Professor McGonagall's position near the Sorting Hat was now agitated and the list of the students in her hand was touching the floor in her aggravation. Finally, even the Deputy Headmistress had had enough. She shouted at the Sorting Hat, "Would you please make a decision and proceed with the Sorting! The dinner is getting cold, and everyone wants to eat!" Several older students groaned in agreement with the professor.

Even some of the faculty murmured their agreement, except for Dumbledore, who was sitting in his seat with his hands primly folded in front of him, an indulgent smile on his face, as he quietly hummed some muggle tune. Snape, who sat beside the headmaster, turned his head to him, clearly wearing an expression that promised to smack Dumbledore in the face if he continued the humming. There was nothing pleasant about this endless Sorting.

As Snape glared at Dumbledore, the ancient professor's hands went into his robes, like he removed something from some hidden pocket. Snape watched as Dumbledore reached into a small drawstring bag underneath the table and realized that the headmaster was cheating! He was trying to sneak a Lemon Drop! Snape's eyes grew large in disgusted anger that Dumbledore would make everyone else suffer while he sat there sucking away on candies! Snape hoped he choked on it! Suddenly, he noticed that a Lemon Drop was being levitated from the bag…

…to drift over to Professor Flitwick. Once it landed in his hand, he looked at it as though it were to precious to just shove right in his mouth. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Snape trembling with barely controlled rage. Flitwick raised the Lemon Drop to Snape as though he were saluting him. Then, with a wicked smile, the half-goblin popped the candy in his mouth. Snape hoped he choked on it!

Another Lemon Drop floated from the bag to McGonagall, who popped it in her mouth, hoping the candy would hold her over until the Sorting was over. Snape hoped she choked on it when she called out the next student's name!

The more brighter students realized that the professors were slowly summoning candy from somewhere. The Ravenclaws and Slytherins caught on first. Quietly, students started muttering summoning charms and aimed in the general direction of the head table.

Suddenly, Lemon Drops came flying from under the head table! Hundreds of them! Little yellow pellets shooting through the air! Some of the younger students in the front were caught in the crossfire as found themselves the accidental targets of rogue Lemon Drops. The smarter students began erecting shields around themselves so they would not suffer what the stupid younger students were. Some even kind of felt bad for the first years, since most of them did not even know that many spells, nevermind ones used to protect themselves. Students were knocked from their house benches holding their heads in pain. Others began having private duels with the flying candies as they repelled them away, sending them straight up into the air, to only crash onto the head of an unsuspecting second year, who promptly passed out. The younger students who had any brains ducked beneath their house tables and curled into themselves, some even hugging their best friend in an attempt to hide from the crazy candy asteroids!

At the other end of the Great Hall was Argus Filch, who was motivated into action when his cat, Mrs. Norris, had a Lemon Drop lodged in her throat during a particularly angry meow. Filch was so panicked he actually gave his cat CPR, and the Heimlich Maneuver, although he would never admit to that. After he deposited his recently revived cat outside the Great Hall to rest, he ran to a custodial closet and dragged out a huge trash bin! When he returned to the Great Hall, he was armed with his trash bin! He began charging down the aisles between the house tables trying to catch the falling Lemon Drops. He stepped on several passed out students as he ran to fulfill his self-appointed task, but could care less. He hated these kids!

Snape stared in horror at the chaos in the Great Hall. Somehow, the flying candies came nowhere near him. Like he students, even little yellow candies were afraid to come near Severus Snape. 'Figures,' he thought to himself.

Snape looked at Dumbledore and realized that the old frock-wearing waste of a headmaster was not going to attempt to remedy the situation. He looked around and saw that McGonagall was transfiguring the candies into feathers so that others wouldn't be hurt anymore. Flitwick had started to blow them up with the Reducto Spell. Snape rolled his eyes. He'd had enough of this. This was complete nonsense! He drew his wand and made several elaborate gestures with it, and then aimed his wand at the headmaster, who still had the nerve to sit there, smiling and humming as though flying Lemon Drops in the Great Hall was the most normal occurrence! Snape's lips twisted into a sneer.

Flitwick and McGonagall realized what Snape was doing, and the two of them quickly acted. Flitwick conjured a large funnel, while McGonagall transfigured a wine goblet into a gigantic drawstring bag. Snape directed the Lemon Drops to go into the funnel and then directly into the bag. Once all of the candies were safely tucked away, McGonagall went to seal it. Snape snatched one of them from the bag and held it for a moment. McGonagall sealed the bag shut then.

Snape tossed the candy into the air, and using the control of his dark wand, sent it flying at Dumbledore who still stared straight ahead, humming to himself, seemingly oblivious to everything going on, including the Lemon Drop headed straight for his—

_Thud!_

Dumbledore's huge chair went flying backwards as the candy hit him right between the eyes and stuck there, as he was knocked unconscious.

Snape, McGonagall, and Flitwick looked out at the student body. Everyone was either hiding under the tables, holding their friends for dear life, staggering about groaning, or knocked out on the floor and benches. It looked like a warzone! Filch, it seemed, had tripped over someone, fallen into the huge trash bin, and only his feet were seen sticking up from the mass of yellow candies in the bin.

Without a word, and by mutual unspoken agreement, the three professors waved their wands and summoned the food from the kitchens for those students still conscious. The quiet groans of the student body was interrupted by the loud voice of the Sorting Hat, which had finally come to a decision it seemed.

"Oh, bloody hell," it grumbled. "I don't know! Why not…GRYFFINDOR! That's a nice house, isn't it?"

McGonagall tore the hat from the first year's head, and hurriedly called out the next student's name. The boy looked around at the commotion and remains of chaos, and then looked to McGonagall. "Does this happen every night at dinner?"

Without saying anything, McGonagall pointed to the Gryffindor table. The boy scurried over and began to eat a chicken wing. After she put the Sorting Hat on the new girl's head, she did not know it but she and Snape were thinking the same thing…

…Hope that boy chokes on a chicken bone!

_Please review! Again, not meant to be serious. Thank you for reading! _


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